An Embarrassing New Start
This is a blog.
Ugh, look at that sentence. It's terrible! A blog. What a gross word.
For me, blogging conjures up images of influencers using one throw blanket from World Market in a DIY designing showcase, desperate to prove that they can toss something on a couch, call it Retro-Sheek on Instagram...then get paid? Ok, I don't know how influencers work, but still. Blogging is something done from home, writing about writing, presenting articles about how to get paid writing a blog, all from the blog dedicated to how to write blogs. The loop goes round and round, and there's a little box picture with cursive words to draw in readers from Pinterest to a self-help list that has the same five points everyone else has. (With links!)
That's not what this blog is going to be about. I write in between a job that has to exist because there are very real bills to pay. Unfortunately, I simply don't have the luxury of being able to stay at home to write however much I want. The point of all this is to try and get there some long day from now in a future that I desperately want to exist, my bills being paid by books, articles, podcast ads, and Patreon, or some other pipe dream portfolio. That requires me to have readers know who I am. You are that reader. I'm not going to beg you to donate in every post, there are no annoying pop-ups that will ask you to get my e-book about how you too can get four likes on your Twitter posts like I do. I just want to write and feel like I'm not shouting into the void and thank you so much for being the person to help with that.
In this writing journey, (ooo I don't like that word either!) I have come across things that inspire, thoughts about how to improve how words form sentences, and craft beer that pairs well with drafting. Why not share some of those things?
Because it's embarrassing as hell. I've had the idea to restart my website articles...er, blog posts, I'm trying to be honest...for weeks and weeks, but the blank computer screen keeps harassing me. It mocks me for every letter I get on the page. The same goes for the fiction I've been writing. I'm currently getting a few stories sent out to actual literary magazines in the hopes that I can get something published for realsies. If not, then it's learning what worked and didn't, then keep trying because as embarrassing as all this is, it's something that resonates with me somewhere deep down.
(Side note: I've now right clicked to correct the word "embarrass" multiple times in this post, and that's some old fashioned irony right there....wait is it irony? How embarrassing. Also "ass" is in the word, very clever linguists, I see you.)
I'm embarrassed by my writing, there I said it. So bad that I literally just sit and stare and the computer hoping to find some reason to put sentences together. When I finally get enough down to call a short story, I start editing and I just want to throw the whole damn work as far down in the little trash can at the bottom right-hand corner of my computer as possible. I can't be alone. There's plenty of other writers, creatives in general, that must also be embarrassed. How many stories, really good stories, have been held back, never to be seen by anyone other than the author because of sheer embarrassment?
I wonder if readers will think my descriptions are as cliché as they come? I fear my characters are going to feel wooden and completely unrelatable. Oh, that plot point? Well, that sounds an awful lot like Lord of the Rings, doesn't it? What story hasn't been done? How do I create something that is original and expresses a story that I love writing as much as a reader loves to read it? Yeah, yeah I need to write for myself, and when I like something, that's fulfillment, right? Let's face it, I want a career doing this at some point. And that's embarrassing to say too. A career? Are you kidding? I'm just a drop in the ocean of other writers that want exactly the same. And how many are way better than me? Most, probably.
Yet, embarrassment might just be necessary. It's what makes me look at a story and ask, why? Then, how do I fix this? Embarrassment is my own, smarter self underneath everything else that makes sure I take a closer look. That smarter self is an asshole sometimes, but that's a whole other post.
What I'm ultimately rambling on about is this: I'm here to be embarrassed about writing with you. Readers, other writers, other creatives, this is my writing and what inspires it. You can expect posts about how I try to figure out how to get better, and maybe you can become a better writer too from my own self-discoveries. I want to analyze other stories to see just how they tell a story and why those techniques work. Expect movie analysis because those are nice, easily digestible pieces of media to break down quickly. There will also be short story and novel analysis, just far less. There will also be original fiction of my creation, published here and (hopefully) in literary places around the internets. And there will be posts like this, the embarrassing reality of the honest attempt to be a writer.
Above all, I want to be honest here. Honest in my fiction and posts. That's what has been hardest for me, finding an honest voice. Am I writer, do I know what I'm talking about? Aren't I just some geek that is just doing the adult version of drawing the little picture books of my childhood? Am I just retelling my favorite stories that inspire me, or am I creating something new? Maybe it's all these things at once and more.
I hope you join me as I post more about the writing experience and my attempts at creativity.
